Janet Napolitano's "Passive Surveilance" for Swine Flu

Homeland Security guru Janet Napolitano looks out the window of Airforce One for veterans, tax protestors, abortion and illegal alien opponents, and other "right wing extremists" in need of smiting by the government.




Satire by John W. Lillpop

Department of Homeland Security (DHS) Secretary Janet Napolitano has stressed that the swine flu crisis is being handled properly and with the full weight and authority of the United States government behind the effort.

She has repeatedly stressed that there is no need to restrict flights to and from Mexico, and that there is no need to close the borders.

In fact, it is the contention of the top dog at DHS that her "passive surveillance" is the most effective protection measure that can be implemented.

This reporter caught up with Napolitano as she was about to execute a "Passive Surveillance" stress test on a flight that had just landed at LAX from Mexico City.

As the 157 passengers deplaned at Gate 22A, America's feisty DHS girl started the process by selecting a few passengers for surveillance.

Most of the passengers were Hispanics in the 25-40-age bracket, several of which coughed incessantly while complaining of anemia and stomach cramps.

None of the Hispanics was waved aside for surveillance.

However, Napolitano personally selected 15 Caucasian males in the 55-80-age bracket for examination.

The "passive surveillance" questionnaire was read to each of the 15 white passengers who were placed under oath and advised that false responses could lead to prosecution for perjury.

Each passenger was asked five relevant questions

( ) Are you a veteran, conservative Republican, right-leaning independent, evangelical Christian, or member of any other subversive group commonly known in law as a "right-wing extremist?"

( ) Do you own a firearm, more than two Bibles, a surgical face mask, a broad band Internet connection, or any other weapon of mass destruction?

( ) Have you ever protested the tax policies of the Obama administration while under the influence of tea?

( ) Do you support closed borders, rigid enforcement of immigration laws, deportation of illegal aliens, English only, and other anti-Mexican torture?

( ) Have you ever refused sexual advances from another male based on religious, moral, or medical biases?

Any passenger who answered YES to one or more of the questions was confronted with a sixth question:

( ) Why do you hate President Obama and CHANGE?


Those who answered YES to three or more questions were immediately placed under arrest and returned to Mexico on the next flight.

Asked what her "passive surveillance" questions had to do with detecting the deadly the swine flu, Napolitano flashed a wicked smile and admitted, "Not a whole hell of a lot. But it does help weed out some of the far more dangerous right-wing extremist kooks!"

Which Will It Be? Your Righteous Indignation, Or Los Angeles?

By John W. Lillpop

Jack Benny, late, great comedian from days gone by, was renowned for being a penny-pinching tightwad. In one of his more memorable gags, Benny was confronted by an armed robber who issued the challenge, "Your money or your life!"

In his inimitable style, Benny paused momentarily and replied, "Let me think about!"

As funny as that line is, it is no more nonsensical than the Obama administration's position on "harsh interrogation techniques."

Indeed, President Obama recently announced that he is "open" to prosecuting former Bush administration members who authorized CIA interrogators to use water boarding on terrorists, which would include an uncooperative Khalid Sheikh Mohammed (KSM), who masterminded the 9/11 attacks.

Obama may wish to rethink his "kinder, gentler" approach based on a report which indicates that harsh interrogation techniques yielded information that enabled law enforcement officials to thwart a planned terrorist attack on Los Angeles.

As reported, in part, at cnsnews.com:

http://www.cnsnews.com/public/content/article.aspx?RsrcID=47003


'Soon, you will know.'

"That is the ominous statement an uncooperative Khalid Sheikh Mohammed (KSM), mastermind of the Sept. 11, 2001, terrorist attacks, told his Central Intelligence Agency interrogators when they initially asked him, after he had been captured, about additional planned al-Qaida attacks on the United States.

"As CIA Acting General Counsel John A. Rizzo explained in a 2004 letter to then-Acting Assistant Attorney General Daniel. On Tuesday, the CIA confirmed that it stands by assertions credited to the agency in this 2005 memo that subjecting KSM to “enhanced techniques” of interrogation—including waterboarding—caused him to reveal information that allowed the U.S. government to stop a planned 9/11-style attack on Los Angeles.

"Before they were waterboarded, both KSM and Abu Zubaydah did not believe Americans had the will to stop al-Qaida, the 2005 Justice Department memo says, citing information from the CIA.

“Both KSM and Zubaydah had ‘expressed their belief that the general U.S. population was ‘weak,’ lacked resilience and would be unable to ‘do what was necessary’ to prevent the terrorists from succeeding in their goals,’” said the memo. “Indeed, before the CIA used enhanced techniques in its interrogation of KSM, KSM resisted giving any answers to questions about future attacks, simply noting, ‘Soon, you will know.’

"After he was waterboarded, KSM provided the CIA with information that allowed the U.S. government to close down a terror cell already “tasked” with flying a jet into a building in Los Angeles.

"According to the CIA, it produced cooperation in the mastermind of 9-11 and thus yielded information used to stop a 9-11 type attack on the West Coast.

"President Obama says he has prohibited the interrogation techniques described in the Justice Department memos he released. Next time the CIA catches a KSM, they must be kinder and gentler with him."

The saddest part of this story is that if the Obama administration had been in power when Khalid Sheikh Mohammed was being interrogated, Los Angeles might be the west coast version of Ground Zero.